One time when my son was a toddler, he accompanied me on a tour of an open house. Within minutes he found the fireplace. Awestruck he stared at the roaring flames and time slowed as I watched him stretch his small fingers toward the hot glass screen.
“Don’t touch,” I warned.
Guess what?
He touched it.
“Ouch!” he squealed and looked at me as if I’d divulged a top secret to him. I could see his little brain spinning. Oh she does know something. I kissed the boo-boo and I told him to never do that again. And he didn’t.
Fast-forward ten years.
He got stupider.
Together with his best friend, he decided that they were going to build a tree fort in the woods at the bottom of our neighborhood. They borrowed tools, rummaged for scrap wood, and planned their construction project.
“Don’t touch the poison ivy,” I warned. “Wash as soon as you get home.”
“Do I look like an idiot? I won’t touch poison ivy.” He rolled his eyes and huffed.
This is what he looked like twenty-four hours later.
After a massive dose of steroids, salt baths, sleepless nights, and scratched-open wounds, he conceded, “Mom, you were right. I shouldn’t have touched the poison ivy.”
Fast-forward another four years.
Now he’s as dumb as they come and he thinks I’m even dumber.
As we enter his seventeenth summer, the combination of warm nights and endless possibility makes for a dangerous, intoxicating cocktail. I wish through some sort of magical-telepathic-osmosis I could pour everything I know into him, along with a heavy dose of caution and forethought. But his hormones are raging, his friends have driver’s licenses, and his pre-frontal cortex is underdeveloped. The world is stretching out before him with no horizon in sight.
And I fear for his life.
But here’s what I’m going to do to try to keep this kid alive:
- Enlist help and communicate with other parents. It takes a village, right? I’m putting everyone on notice—I want to know all the bad stuff my kid is doing. (I can’t believe I just said that. I’m cringing already—don’t put in the blog comments, private message will suffice). Ignorance is bliss and my happy days are over. But if that’s what it takes—okay. I can’t police the situation if I don’t know what’s happening. Maybe him knowing that we’re all on the lookout will keep him and his friends on their best behavior.
- Talk to him. He barely speaks anymore. His music and social media are more important. But at bedtime, after his phone’s been put away and I am completely exhausted, he’ll sometimes turn chatty. I will get out of my comfortable bed, go to his room—I will talk—and hope something sticks. I’ll sneakily try to drill home my Don’t Do It List: do not chew tobacco, don’t drink alcohol, don’t get in a car with someone who’s been drinking, don’t do drugs, don’t have sex, once you get your license—don’t text and drive, don’t dive head first into he quarry lake, don’t forget to wear your seatbelt. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. But if you do something stupid, do, do, do know I’m your mom and I’ll always help you.
- Keep Sunday dinners together a top priority. Once a week no matter how busy, I’m going to invite my parents over to have dinner with us—three generations sorting it out, helping each other, connecting, creating tradition—and grounding us in love.
With each stage of motherhood a new challenge arises. I wish saying, “Don’t touch!” was enough to keep my son safe, to ensure that he doesn’t do anything so stupid as to impact life or limb. My daughter says we just need to get him through high school and college and then everything will be fine because she promises she will never ever be as stupid as her brother.
Anybody taking bets?
***
Here’s an idea for Sunday Dinner:
(Fine Cooking Magazine, May 2002, p. 49)
Step 1: Saute
1.5 tbs unsalted butter
1 leek, sliced in half & very thinly sliced crosswise
6 oz boneless, skinless chicken breast, cut into think strips
½ Granny Smith apple, peeled, cored, & thinly sliced
Step 2: Flavor
1 tsp. fresh tarragon, chopped
¼ cup brandy
1/3 cup chicken broth
Step 3: Enrich
2/3 cup heavy cream
Step 4: Toss
8oz dried rigatoni, cooked & drained
½ cup finely shredded Gruyere or Emmental cheese
Serve & enjoy!
Thought For The Week:
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquithz
What’s the dumbest thing you ever did as a kid?
***
Thanks for reading! The first Sunday of the Month I post a new blog. Sign up HERE to follow. Plus, I always give an update on the release of my novel What The Valley Knows (January 25, 2018).
xoxo,
Heather
Always being a little big for my britches, I made my share of mistakes. However, I always had a lot of faith and optimism. My kids are 32 and 30, and I never want to revisit the teenage years. They turned out just fine and both teach. I do believe they still hear all my DON’TS–I am thankful.
Faith and optimism! That’s what I’m going to need to survive the teenage years.
So funny, your son sounds just like mine! Hardly speaks unless asked direct questions to which I get a “yes” or “no” answer, friends and music are at the top of his priority list,
and comes upstairs from his “man cave” and becomes chatty at night just before I’m ready to go to bed. As you, I just hope some of what I tell him sticks, especially as he begins college this fall.
That’s the best we can all hope for – that some of what we’ve said sticks! Older parents tell me that eventually they come back to us. I can’t wait. Good luck to your son at college this fall.
Damn that underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex!! Last summer my son was allowed to stretch his legs a bit more. I thought, you are almost 15, a great kid, great student, kind etc. What trouble could he possibly get in? He will be at the gym then the pool until I leave work. He was grounded for 2 weeks after 3 days into summer vacation………
We will survive this! (She says as she grinds her teeth!)
Ooh, I feel for you! The gym and the pool sounds like a good strategy. When is the age of reason? It can’t come soon enough. We love these kids so darn much, it’s painful.
Thank goodness we have each other to navigate this tricky time!
That poison ivy is murder! The picture is worth a thousand words.
Another great blog!!
I have to say that sometimes my home was a battlefield or more like a WAR ZONE. Me saying no, please, no became one of my many maternal “mantras”. I never gave up and think that is the main reason my kids turned out great. Another reason is “the cell phone” was not glued to their ears and hands. If I was feeling anxious that a chid theft was going to occur at a mall I could say the Mall was closed. What did they know?! Now, Suri or Google would tell them the real truth. I love technology (that’s a lie), but it is a necessary evil.
The problem is, these munchkins are in way over their heads and I believe parents keep adding the already problematic situation wth more pressures that stem from there own person as opposed to what is right for their child. Actually, only God knows what is right for His child. We are but the gatekeepers ~ waiting for the butterflies to fly?
I am reminded of a very popular (whatever they are called – I am old and cannot remember), WWJD. What Would Jesus Do? I believe most parents do the best they can do. We all have issues, we all have our own belief system and most moms and dads I know are very busy. Parenting is a full time job and is is a scary position. You can get your pink slip at any given time or you can stop trying and caring and pick your kid up at the morgue.
In conclusion, your children are a gift from God. If you received a very special doll (sorry guys) for Christmas WWYD? Play with it until it didn’t talk anymore and throw it away? Play with it until you grew tired of the answers it gave you and throw it away? or would you keep putting bandaids on the boos boos and keep trying.
Our kids meds can only process so much information at any given time. What we feed them is essential to what they will become. Are you feeding Veggie Tales or JUNK?
Roger – I am out!
Thanks for a thought provoking post.
Thanks for all of your advice, Cathy! Wise words from someone who’s lived through her kids’ teenage years successfully!
Yep. Now through the eyes of my grandchild and his parents (my son) I have acquired a very different perspective. It’s is very hard to pin a word to being a grandparent babysitting your grandchild while trying to instill good values but not step on toes. Help me out here?
I have taken the HOLY distance stance but still cannot find the words
to sum up the feeling I get in my heart. Deep loneliness of having gone around this block before, but all I can do now is lend a hand if asked since this is not my block?! Make sense? Probably not…help?
Very poetic, introspective description of grandparenting, Cathy.
Heather,
Your blogs are really awesome!
Cathy, thank you so much for following the blog and offering your comments. I love your thoughtful responses.
Ack. We just put our 18 year old on a plane by herself to meet her BF and go on a road trip. Boston. NYC. Rhode Island. Maine. Gulp. Gotta let them go and hope that all of the warnings and cautions and preachings stuck. As one of your loyal readers wrote–faith and optimism.
As always, great blog!
Thanks, Lisa! I can imagine your worry knowing your daughter is traveling with another eighteen year old, but they’re making memories, living their glory days.
It sounds as though your daughter earned her wings. Maybe she’ll flutter on her first big solo BF trip, but I bet your words of wisdom stick with her.
She will come back to you safe and sound and filled with stories of fun and laughter,
experience and adventure.
You are a wonderful mother for cheering her on…
God bless you
I love this Blog- Because I will now have 2 children in High school and I want to keep them out of trouble. I know they will make mistakes, but I want the line of communication open. Keep them busy is what I think, and talk, talk to them all the time. Great job Heather- I am part of your Village!
We’ve got a good village, babe!
Thank goodness for parents like you and your readers … and those you raised you.